Ben #1 is:
successful in business, generally happy, does not struggle with much, is not insecure, is not afraid, is confident, feels loved all the time, a hero, at his worst not very bad.
Ben #2 is: scared sometimes, does things that if people knew about, thinks that he would not be loved in the same way, feels unloved and is insecure, thinks things that are so bad no one else probably thinks them, tells lies, sometimes just wants to surf the internet ALL day, feels like his faith is a joke, thinks that most “sins” especially the worst ones actually sound pretty fun.
My life is split into two main personalities. The one that I show others and the one that I keep to myself. This is compounded by my upbringing in christian communities where there was an incredible pressure to have it together. If you didn’t have it together acting like you did seemed to suffice.
I don’t have it together. And the more I come to understand humanity and the gospel there’s a strange phenomenon that would indicate that since Adam and Eve there’s a pretty common sentiment that everyone is afraid of being fully known…of having the fig leaves removed. In other words, none of us actually feel that in our heart of hearts we have it together. So, we create Ben #1 and Ben #2. I have decided that I want there to be one Ben. One Ben for my community and one Ben that I present to God. I think He only sees one Ben. If it’s good enough for Him maybe it should be good enough for me.
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